How to get through the festive season when grieving.

When you’re in the midst of your grief, the holidays can bring all those feelings right to the surface, leaving you overwhelmed and struggling to cope. If you celebrate Christmas, or any other holiday, it’s not the same when there’s someone missing from the celebration. Coping with grief at Christmas can look different for everyone, and there is no “right” way to do it.

We’re surrounded by memories and the feeling that this person should be there with us, and can be a triggering time. Maybe it’s your first holiday season after your loss, or maybe it’s been over 10 years. The length of time doesn’t make things any easier, but you do learn how to handle and cope a bit better.

Below are some ways to gently care for yourself during the season.

Allow yourself to feel and show your emotions.

This time of year can stir up a lot of emotions, and memories can trigger an onslaught of them.

It’s completely normal to feel and show your emotions at this time. Forcing yourself to be cheerful or upbeat for the sake of others is only going to make yourself more miserable and upset. Your emotions won’t ruin Christmas, and you’re probably not the only one feeling this way.

It’s also important to not feel guilty for experiencing joy. Often in grief, there is this intense feeling of guilt for living or surviving, and that increases when we start to get back to the things and experiences that bring joy.

Remember that your loved one would want you to be happy. We humans experience a multitude of emotions, often all in the one day, and joy can coincide with grief and sadness. You are allowed to be happy in the midst of your grief. Not allowing yourself to do so will only prolong the intensity of grief.

Find a way to honour your loved one.

Whether that’s purchasing a special ornament in memory, or putting up a more recent photo in a frame, it’s good to create a new tradition as a way of keeping your loved one close to you, even though they’re no longer there.

Try cooking their famous or favourite recipe, or still hanging their Christmas stocking up. You could even buy yourself something that they would have got you as a present, or buy them something they would have loved. Keep their memory and love alive in a way that feels personal to your relationship with them. 

Accept that the holiday will never quite feel the same without them.

When someone dies, not only do you grieve them, but you also grieve any plans or experiences in the future, where they won’t be there. Christmas is one of these events, and part of the joy is sharing the memories with friends and family. But without them, Christmas will never quite feel the same. 

That doesn’t mean there won’t be joy and laughter and incredible memories created in the years to come, but you’ll always feel the lack of presence of that person missing. 

Trying to recreate old memories and experiences might just be too much to handle, as if you’re expecting the person you’ve lost to walk through the door

Talk about how you’re feeling and set your boundaries.

The lead up to Christmas can be tiring on the best of days, and grief makes that so much worse. The grief can feel present, making you feel really heavy and exhausted trying to keep up with everyone.

Talking about how you’re feeling is often uncomfortable, but if the people around you are also grieving, chances are they’re experiencing a lot of the same things you are. Letting loved ones know how you’re feeling not only allows the burden of grief to be shared, and therefore reduced, but it also helps you connect with each other.

You can also share how much or how little you’re able to take on during the festive season. Setting boundaries means your loved ones can mitigate their expectations of you, and you of them. These boundaries might be wanting more alone time, or forgoing bigger celebrations for more intimate gatherings. 

Don’t feel pressured to celebrate on Christmas Day. 

Some people often talk about anticipating Christmas ends up being worse than the day itself. Despite that, don’t feel pressured to enjoy or celebrate the holiday if you're not up to it.

Give yourself full permission to do whatever you want, or what is best for your grief. Whether that’s checking out, going to have a nap, removing yourself from your family for a little while, not trying to put on a brave face. It could be spending the day alone, or getting away on a holiday, or gathering with immediate family, you don’t have to acknowledge Christmas if it feels too painful.

Getting through the first Christmas, or any special holiday, is always the hardest. But once you’re through it, be proud that you did it. And for years on, you’ll be more prepared to get through the day. It doesn’t get easier, but you’ll be better equipped to handle it. 

Whatever you decide to do on Christmas Day, let it be something that feels kind to you. If being alone is what feels most comforting, that’s okay. If you find yourself wanting even a small moment of connection, that’s okay too, even if it’s a short phone call or just an hour of company.

Allow yourself to grieve. But also allow yourself to feel the joy that each day can bring. Below is a gentle day-by-day guide you can use or adapt in whatever way feels right for you.

12 Days of Christmas Grief.

Coping with grief over the holidays will be difficult. However, with a little effort, Christmas can become a time of reflection, renewal and growth. If you're experiencing grief over the holidays, or supporting someone who is grieving, there are things you can do to get through the season.

We've put together a 12 Days of Christmas guide to coping with grief, as a way of looking after yourself, creating new traditions and bringing your missed loved one into your new Christmas journey. We hope it provides some comfort to those who are missing a loved one this year.

Day 1, December 14: Let go of expectations.

Recognise that Christmas will be a little different this year. Make a promise to yourself that you are not going to worry about what you are expected to do. Instead, concentrate on those things that are most important for yourself. Today, consciously think about this.

You may even want to make a "Must-do" list of things that are most important. Make an "Optional" list of things that you’d like done only if you have time and feel like it. Also make a "Let Go" list of things that you will consciously not do this year.

Simplify. Be in the present, enjoy the people around you.

Day 2, December 15: Display a photo or a collection of photos.

Include in your holiday decorations a special photo or group of photos of your loved one. Photos of them at Christmas time would be a special touch.

Place the photos in a central place in your home. You may also use this time to pull out old photo albums and have them visible for yourself or others to look through over the Christmas season.

Children decorating a Christmas tree.em of their lost loved one.

Ask children to help you select an ornament that reminds them of their lost loved one.

Day 3, December 16: A special ornament.

Purchase a new ornament this year that reminds you of your loved one. Place this on the tree or in a central place in your home.

If children are a part of your family, invite them to help you select the ornament or even allow them the opportunity to make the ornament themselves.

Day 4, December 17: Visit a special place.

Today, visit or spend time in a place where you feel close to your loved one. Visit their grave or memorial place. Freshen it with new flowers or even a Christmas decoration. Or go to a place that holds special meaning. You might also like to watch your loved one’s favourite Christmas movie or listen to their favourite Christmas music. Slow down, ignore the world for a moment and be present with yourself in a special place where you feel close to your loved one.

Day 5, December 18: Consider the challenges you face at Christmas.

Take some quiet time to consider the moments you’ll miss your loved one the most. If you think of these special moments in private you’ll likely be better prepared for those moments when they happen.

Also, think about how you will talk to and answer your friends and family when they ask “How are you going?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Thinking about how you will answer will prepare you for questions and will help you avoid having to just say “I’m fine.”This day may be difficult, but giving yourself time and space to think through the Christmas season will better prepare you for it.

Day 6, December 19: Create a Christmas memory box or stocking.

Leave a box or stocking, slips of paper, and pens out in the house. Ask those who visit you during the holidays to write down their favourite memories of loved ones who are no longer with us, to be placed inside. You do the same. Then on Christmas day, you can read them together.

Bringing good memories to mind helps replace the sadness caused by not having your loved one with you physically.

Allow the happy memories to come, flood over you and do not allow sadness to drown out the memories. By doing this, eventually you will find yourself thinking about the good times more often than dwelling on your loss.

Day 7, December 20: Count your blessings.

Christmas is a time of year that we naturally take stock of the many blessings we have in life. Although you are grieving, this year should be no different.

Take time today to find joy in the things you are grateful for. You may even want to write a list of the things for which you are grateful, or in conversation with someone express the blessings you have in life.

Feeling happy does not mean you don’t miss your loved one. The person you miss would actually prefer you to be happy rather than spend Christmas in constant grief. So take a moment for gratitude and joy.

Day 8, December 21: Buy a gift  .

While doing your holiday shopping, buy a gift for your loved one whom you are missing. Find something that they would have liked or something that reflects their personality or interests. Then donate the gift to someone in need.

You will be achieving two things through this gift. Firstly, you will be continuing your relationship with your loved one as you think about them at Christmas. And secondly, you are giving to someone who will appreciate the gift.

Christmas can be bittersweet for those who are coping with grief over the holidays,

Buying a gift for your loved one whom you are missing can help to keep them in your thoughts at Christmas.

Day 9, December 22: Give to others.

Think of a way to brighten someone else’s Christmas. One of the best things you can do when approaching the holidays when you’re feeling so low is to reach out and help somebody else.

No matter your situation, there are others who need help more. Find them, help them. You will find that by lifting someone else’s spirit you will definitely lift your own.

Day 10, December 23: Record Christmas memories.

We all recognise that over time memories fade. Also, your memories may not be known by your children or grandchildren.

Take a quiet moment today to sit down and let your memories flood over you. Think about past Christmases: places you went, gifts given and received, traditions you shared, things you did. Then take the important step to write these memories down.

Once written, you and others have them as a permanent record to read and reflect on for years to come.

Day 11, December 24: Accept that it's OK to show emotion.

Grief carries with it a lot of emotions, and the Christmas season is an especially emotional time of year. It’s OK to cry and you will not ruin Christmas if you cry. Give other people permission to cry also.

Oftentimes, the best support you can give a crying person is a listening ear, a hug and a few words, and to let them know that it is OK to cry. But you can also use other ways to show emotion. You can get a lot of support through a pat on the shoulder or holding hands. Be open to receiving and giving a hug today.

Day 12, December 25: Enjoy Christmas Day.

Make today your day. Even if you don’t feel like it, get up. Get dressed. Step outside into the sunshine and fresh air. Take a walk. Be around the people you want to spend time with.

Allow yourself to grieve, but for every minute you spend in grief, equal that time with memories of Christmas with your loved one. Let this bring a smile to your face.

Allow yourself to be happy today. Know that you’ll make it through and tomorrow you will look back and say “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be”.

Final thoughts about getting through the festive season when grieving.

We hope this Christmas Grief guide will help you to take time for self-care during the festive season. Most importantly, remember to be kind to yourself and others through this journey. Grief is a process that teaches you how to live and love in a new way, holding onto the memories you have of the person you love.

Also remember that you're not alone. If you're struggling to cope after the loss of a loved one, you can reach out to friends or family, or consult your GP.

At Bare, we're always here for you. Head to our Grief Resources for videos and articles to support you during this time.

Disclaimer: This article provides general information only and does not constitute professional advice. Please consult a qualified expert for guidance specific to your situation.